Grief in Young Children
by Wes Bertagnole

At what age is a child capable of grieving? Alan Wolfelt states, “If a child is old enough to love, that child is old enough to grieve” (Cacciatore, 2001). He explains that even a young child can recognize the void that is caused when someone close is missing, regardless of whether they can express themselves verbally. Susan Smith (1999) states that children are often the ‘forgotten mourners.’ Adults too often believe the grief children experience is short in duration and that it steadily declines until it is gone. Smith (1999) says that in reality children’s grief is a process where those feelings and emotions submerge and reemerge with varying degrees of intensity over months and years.

Most children do not grieve the same way adults do. A child’s understanding of death changes as they grow and develop.Gaining insight into a child’s developmental stages can help parents understand and even predict age-appropriate responses (Goldman, 2004).

Children Ages 2-5

• Live in an egocentric world and do not understand the permanence of death
• Normal grief includes:
  • Children may repeatedly ask if the person is coming back
  • They view death as reversible
  • Can be frightened by adult grief
  • May experience anxiety about being alone
  • May exhibit regressive behaviors like thumb sucking or bed wetting

Children Ages 6-8

• Realize death is permanent
• May feel responsible or guilty for the death because they feel their words or thoughts are capable of harming others.
• Mourn through story telling and pictures
• May express physical symptoms, regressive behavior and suicidal thoughts

Children Ages 9-12

• Are curious about death and want realistic information
• Express logical thoughts and feelings regarding death
• May avoid strong emotions or sadness
• May increasingly express anger or rage
• Behavior may also include shunning friends, increased moodiness, and behavior problems

A sense of loss of control is another key factor in the continued trauma of many grieving children. In addition to the primary loss these children experience, many also experience secondary losses due to changing economic and family situations. These secondary losses can include: moving, loss of friends, change in school, home, neighborhoods, loss of self-esteem, and even a loss of everyday routines (Goldman, 2004). Early intervention through individual or group counseling has been shown to help these children regain a sense of control and reduce the stress associated with the loss of a loved-one (Goldman, 2004).

References
Cacciatore, J. (2001). Death is a family and community issue. Missing Angels, 2(4), 23-25.
Goldman, L. (2004). Counseling with children in contemporary society. Journal of Mental
Health Counseling, 26(2), 168-188.
Smith, S. (1999). The forgotten mourners: guidelines for working with bereaved children.
London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.